From California, to New YorkIsland – the American man was made for you and me! My dear ladles (what’s that? you’re a jellyspoon?! alright, alright, come join the flock), allow me to wax lyrical about the superior romantic qualities of American men over all (and any of) those hailing from other cultures – past, present, or future. (Go eat your heart out, Mr. Spock.)
It’s logical, after all – what other land offers such abundant variety, such breathtaking diversity, such thrilling versatility, from sea to shining sea? From devastatingly handsome Texans to peppy San Franciscans (er, not the brothers), a woman need not look further than the barrel-chested American man to find comfort in the hairy arms of happiness. Who needs the French and their intoxicating sweet talk? Who needs the Germans and their unorthodox sexual practices? Pas moi, schätzchen.
Although he might, at first encounter, appear grouchy and odd, you shouldn’t be fooled by the American man’s superficial appearance. Trust that he is most affectionate, most considerate, and expect no less than to be ravished with his tender and unyielding attention. He will rock your socks with his understanding, keep you on your tippy-toes with his ruminations on subjects both frivolous and grave, and have you in stitches with his riotous sense of humour.
You can be sure, moreover, that he will never put milk and sugar in his morning coffee, and up and leave upon drinking it, without a word to you, without a look at you (as French perverts are wont to do), leaving you, with your heavy head in your shaking hands, to weep at the humiliating reality of the circle of life, of love…
Rest assured, my dear ladles (and the occasional jellyspoon), that the American man is no mere dream. The American man is a living beast, heart a-throbbing and passion a-blazing. A dream that might – really might – someday come true. Qui sait?
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If you’re currently massaging your scalp thinking something along the lines of ‘what the [your favourite expletive] is this?’, please pick an explanation from the list below:
- This post is a desperate attempt to please an exceptional friend of mine.
- I lost a wager to someone capable of indescribable wickedness.
- A shamelessly flirtatious European needed to be put back in his place.
- I really just wanted to embarrass myself.
Hey, it’s all in good fun.